Sunday, August 27, 2006

American Terrorism

I was recently browsing other blogs when I came upon a video put together by a group called Improv Everywhere. Beside laughter, the other thing that struck me was a thought. This is an example of how Americans mobilize. In general, we are not getting together in people's basements trying to figure out how to ruin the lives of innocents to prove a point. We are joining groups that espouses the following on their FAQs page:

"Improv Everywhere is, at its core, about having fun. We're big believers in 'organized fun'. In the process we bring excitement to otherwise unexciting locales and give strangers a story they can tell for the rest of their lives."

Sometimes I try to wrap my head around what an American terrorist would look like. What kind of profile would they have? Then I think about different stereotypical Americans--the NASCAR fan who hangs a flag out front on race day, the quilting mother who wears applique vests, the lawn-mowing homeowner, the QT-stopping teenager getting 64 oz of soda for fifty-nine cents.

I know there are many other types. And I know that Americans, like all others, are capable of doing terrible things, but sometimes I'm struck by how really silly and naive we can be.

We like our chili fries and ICEEs. We like our cheap goods at Wal-Mart. We like really large lawn ornaments that require their very own electrically-powered fan and internally illuminating lights to signify the holidays. We like free toys in our cereal. We like the 65th edition of Garfield. We like Slo-Mo Home Depot shopping. And the really globally-minded Americans even like soccer. Maybe someone whose last name rhymes win Bwin Fladen needs to come take a trip down the aisle aisle and talk to the men with the orange aprons. Then again he might get the wrong message from their slogan meant to comfort the bumbling, suburban handyman: "You Can Do It. We Can Help."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

If You Live in Phoenix

If you live in Phoenix and ever drive around let's have a little pow-wow about annoying traffic habits. Or, more specifically, places around town that are cause for situational ignorance.

Example A:
Shea Blvd and the 51 (aka Piestewa Freeway)

Have you ever driven West on Shea and approached the intersection with the 51 where one would normally prepare to get on that freeway headed South? Have you ever noticed that there are THREE entry lanes for this process? Have you ever purposely taken the far right lane when the other two are back up half a block? Have you ever been the only person doing so? Don't you feel slightly triumphant yet simultaneously slightly annoyed? Ignoring an entire lane that could facilitate the move of traffic onto the freeway is the kind of assanine behavior that increases traffic.

Next time on "If You Live in Phoenix":
the roundabout at Central and Mountain View.
Don't get me started.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

"One Woman's House Still a Disaster One Year After Katrina"

This particular story on NPR really spoke to me today. Whoever this woman is, I feel a bond with her because, Sister, my house is still a disaster, too. How did we let it go on for so long? If we're going to go ahead and use major news events in our timelines, my house has been a disaster since they caught Saddam back in December 2003. FEMA, I need help. Hello? Actually, I think my chances are better with Oprah. Can you help a sister out? I hear that you love teachers.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Best "Yes" Yet

Break out the formaggio*!

Three years ago today Jamie shocked me and all our friends and family by asking me to marry him. It wasn't the question so much as the brevity of our Italian courtship. As I type this our daughter is crying in the kitchen and I'm tired as a dog. Jamie gave her a bath tonight and sang his very own rendition of "Rubber Ducky" and it is for this reason that I say that accepting his proposal at the tender age of twenty-eight was my best "Yes" yet.

*formaggio=cheese is italiano

Monday, August 14, 2006

Ahh, You Tube

The things you find. Or rather, the things others find and then I find much later.

oh, and:

thanks to giantmonster.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Mmmm, Ham Salad

While at Nate's house I got to consume ham salad. I love ham salad. I was able to consume this while lounging in my bathing suit. I don't usually ham it up for videos in my bathing suit. But I figured since I recently cashed in on my one hour free personal trainer session at LA Fitness, now's as good a time as any.

Feel the burn.

They tried to get me to sign up for continuous personal training sessions. I declined. I had already memorized all that they had to say, "One, two, three, good job, four, five, six, keep it up, seven, eight, nine, way to go, ten, eleven, twelve, ok stop."

Click on the triangle to enjoy the following:
Stella's apparent satisfaction with herself and my incredibly long arms.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Stella Has a Full Day and You Get a Full Post

We went to Uncle Nate's house today for a little swim action. And how.

Stella: "I am the pole. Be one with the pole."
Alishia: "Just do it!"

Whenever we first arrive at Nate's house his dog Buster has a crystal meth moment where he cannot keep his cool. He barks like a coon dog and runs around the living room thinking that I've brought him a large chew toy. He takes some time to settle and then he gets right down to business. That business being Examining the Diaper Bag for Olfactory Cues of Buddy and Tiny. He follows this up with the Manual Investigation of Stella's Face With His Tongue. Meanwhile, Mercedes curls up on the floor to Lick the Carpet and Maintain Her Cool.

We proceed to the pool where Stella shows off her trendy babysuit. This year blue polka dots and ducks are what the cool kids wear.

Stella went under many times on purpose and once on accident. We were swarmed by the dogs who wanted ever-so-much to come in the pool. Nate wouldn't allow it. I'm guessing it's because once they're in, they insinuate their dog desires upon you. If they could speak they would say, "Throwmytoy!Throwmytoy!Throwmytoy!Throwmytoy!"

"Yeah, um, totally not impressed with the bubbler."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Law & Order

People, I love Law and Order. I love it on television with Ice T and Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe and Mariska Hargitay and Richard Belzer. I love it when TNT has a L&O marathon. I've never been inside a real courtroom, however. And today? Today I'm supposed to go to my local police department and identify a picture of my neighbor, Barks With Dogs, so that the county prosecutor can pursue LEGAL ACTION. Holy Shit.

That's right. Holy. Because I love Jesus. And, Jesus, Lord God in Heaven Who owns the cattle on a thousand hills? I am scared.

These are my neighbors. They are on the other side of my wall. Their dogs bark and ruin my nights. I have to wear ear plugs. But my two little ninnies run around our backyard. What if Neighbor throws them a bone? A bone laced with cyanide? Little Tiny could not resist a bone. One bone for the two of them. They would fight. Fight over their death. Fight to the death like they do over their dry kibbles.

Ahhh, I'm conflicted. Law and order is difficult. Ice T, save me! Or maybe Kramer? Kramer took that little yippy dog that kept Elaine up all night and dropped him off in the country. Kramer?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

It's Feast of Famine Over Here

I'm not sure whether or not I shared this footage of Stella. About three days after she tried standing she moved on to dancing. Prolific, I tell you.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Hansonian Principle© #89A

"Whoever requests the beverage controls the beverage"
For instance, if you have the foresight to purchase a Lingonberry ICEE at IKEA to quench your thirst during the ride home, you have earned the right to consume 85% of that ICEE on your own. It is OK that your fellow rider gets only 15%. In fact, they should consider your generosity outstanding.

Later, if you have the foresight to request a Dr. Pepper at Quiznos and your fellow rider forfeits their soft drink purchase, you have earned the right, once again, to control that beverage. You may share or you may not--it is your decision.

This is a Hansonian Principle©. One should merely consider it advice. It is not canonical. We are not responsible for any familial repercussions of lapses injudgmentt as a result of following these principles. They do not always align with accepted social norms. (see sharing, sacrifice)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Cue Music: Back in the Saddle

It's amazing how many things I think about writing throughout the day that I never sit down to write about...that being said. I wrote this a few days ago but Blogger was being insubordinate and refusing to upload my photos.

I will say this: Jamie's home, our house is on the mend and I will probably be having neighbor issues--and how! Perhaps my neighbors didn't watch much Mr. Rogers growing up; perhaps they are borderline white trash; perhaps they are deaf and dumb--as in Helen Keller; or perhaps they are inconsiderate, irresponsible SOBs who like to collect cranky dogs that bark in the wee hours. Either way, my petition has been filed with the County Prosecutor's Office and I will await the drama. Good thing our roof will be extra fortified to repulse any attacks. Just knowing this fact soothes many of my fears.

Here is a picture of our happy family. Yes, this is an old picture. Stella still had her slim, pre-solids figure that fit into her party pants. Those pants were appropriate because she was at a party. You can also tell because I am partaking of libations.

Oh, she wasn't ready for the camera, she had her fist in her mouth.

Much better: