"It's My's"

This a frequently uttered refrain in our house. And at the public parks--which we can go to now since we don't sizzle in the sun. We only slightly roast now that it's almost November.

Stella has become possessive of all things. Not of all her things, just all things.

Just to clear up any confusion, following are a few things that are hers. That way if you're ever at our house, you'll know what not to touch:

This man. This Daddy. This is hers.


This baby. It's hers.


All these toys. At someone else's house. These are hers, too.


And all these toys at our house. Hers.


And just so we all got it straight. This baby. Hers. No one else can touch it except me. She allows me so I will take care of it so that she can attend to the rest of her dominion.

Don't Worry, Mrs. Miller!

I purchased one last night! Even though Gianna's going on four months I see no signs of her thrashing abating. I gambled and I think I will have won in the long run! And this morning when she was thrashing about I thought, "I can't wait for that Miracle Blanket to get here." I only wish they had them in toddler sizes for assuaging bad attitudes.

Mrs. Miller!

Can I try your Miracle Blanket?!!

Nap

You are laying beside me swaddled as tight as burrito. You have a pillow tucked over your legs to keep you from kicking yourself awake. It's against all the doctor rules, but it's the only way you settle down.

Such a Baby

This is evidence of why people are called babies when they're acting emotionally irrational.

Just woke up from her nap:


Threesecondslater:


Milk in the belly:

OK, Now, Really?

I now join the throngs of women who get excited over things such as this:



Seriously, though, I saw Jessica on Oprah (yes. shut up.) and she literally charmed the socks off of me. Which, I guess, is something she's quite adept at considering she met Jerry Seinfeld at the gym just after returning from a three week Italian honeymoon with her first husband. Long story short, now she's a Seinfeld.

Dem Boots

These were the boots recently acquired at Target for Stella's Halloween costume. Conveniently, we are going to a wedding for one of Jamie's old roommates in Texas two days after Halloween. Will the boots make the trip? What say you, Reader. Cast a vote.

Sibling Harmony

Obviously, when one child is so small that it can neither protest or steal your toys it's very easy to experience sibling harmony. There is a genuine affection on Stella's behalf for her sister. When Gianna cries, Stella wants to investigate and give her a kiss. She likes to greet Gianna with a full body hug in the morning. This usually consists of Stella climbing on our bed and laying her body across Gianna's. Stella tries to calm down a sad Gianna when we're in the car by saying, "Baby, shhh. Baby, shhh."

For now Gianna is very compliant. I put her in the dolly stroller and Stella proceeded in pushing her around, checking in on her well being and generally enjoying the presence of her sister. Stella is also very willing to share her stuffed animals with Gianna. Most likely this is because she can reclaim them according to her whim.

It is her whims, after all, that are sovereign. These days approaching two years old are filled with unintelligible complaints and outbursts about unequal ratios of cottage cheese to pasta at lunch time; or perhaps the discovery of a dog consuming an errant grape on the floor. Then there's always the very heartbreaking discovery of toys remaining on the window sill hours after she placed them there.

She Reads!

It's that time of night.

We come indoors from out. We have just finished composting our dinner and raking the rocks in our Zen garden. Although we are already relaxed and connected with each other and the universe, we try to squeeze in a little reading. Because that's what the public service announcement on the television recommends.


Stella suggests, "Let's read Richard Scarry. He teaches us all about the world called Busy Town where animals and small invertebrates happily co-exist. We should all be so, what's the word, Gianna? Tolerant, yes."


Gianna is distracted by the love song of J. Alfred Ceiling Fan. His fancy grooves have seduced infants for generations. Softly but sternly instructing, so as not to wound Gianna's Spirit of Learning Stella says, "Gianna, stay on task, I'm trying to share with you the beauty that is Reading."


"That's more like it."

Cue the Sexy Bond Girl

I will start to call the TV "Auntie" so Stella can talk about all the fun she has with her "Auntie." Before I had her I thought my children would never spend time with their "Auntie" and how all the kids I babysat for spent a horrible amount of time with their "Aunties." Oh how words/thoughts/deeds/judgments come back to haunt you once you have kids. I know that "Never Say Never" is already a James Bond movie, but I think it should rather be a movie chronicling the life of a self-righteous, know-it-all woman transitioning into new motherhood!

Only a Relative

The following video is around TWO MINUTES long. I realized this after the conclusion because I was so enraptured by the interaction between my two progeny that the world seemed to stop and I lost all track of time as they conducted themselves as the little sisters that they are. Proceed accordingly:

Grandparents will probably watch the entire thing. And return for seconds and even thirds.
Same with Auntie CJ.
Aunts and uncles (OK, the only other ones, Nate and Stasia) will perhaps make it through at least 3/4 of the video depending on how time permits--they're busy getting their own nursery ready.
All other loyal fans...surprise me.

Halloween at Mary Coyle's

We visited Mary Coyle's again. Last time I was there Stella had a meltdown about the ice cream. This time she couldn't really handle the decor in the entryway. It was a bit intense Halloween decorating for a family establishment. Stella was not ruffled by the ice cream, but rather by the rumblings and cackling coming from the entryway. She clung rather tightly to her father.

Jamie's not a big baby dad. He clicks with toddlers more. He's good with Stella. Takes her on outings, plays in the yard, reads, gives her baths and all that jazz. His mom can vouch for how well he handles Stella with TV and ice cream--real champ! But here he is with Gianna after having lulled her to sleep.

A First for Everything

This is the first time Stella elected to sit in her aunt's lap--and smile!

8 Days Old

Stella started sharing her toys! Already!

Morning Mug

Quite possible some of the best morning hair yet...





And then there's this morning hair, so cute because it's barely there.

Disappointment

Perhaps the most difficult part of this entire ordeal is the disappointment. Everyone grows up with expectations: for jobs, family, vacation, possessions, fun, education, etc. Everyone deals with disappointment. I'm not saying that I'm different or exceptional in my feelings. I'm only saying that this has turned out to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

A year ago I didn't know what my family would look like in ten years. Quite honestly, I'm not entirely sure right now, but I no longer have the luxury of just waiting to see. This is disappointing to me.

There's a sudden urgency to decide if we want any more children. Well, I feel an urgency. Jamie, he's pretty placid. And I mean that well. He's not disappointed. That's a good thing because then I'd have to deal with disappointing his desires for a large family, or just one that's a little bigger. Thankfully, though, I don't have to deal with that.

I'm dealing with my disappointment. The cost is paid for me, physically, with many tears and loss of sleep. My muscles ache. My heart aches. I hurt.

In addition to disappointment is other people's dismissive ways of dealing with things. I know people mean well when they say things like, "At least you have two beautiful daughters." Or, "Some women with ovarian cancer don't have any children. Be thankful." Or, "You can always adopt." Or, "At least you'll be done raising children when you're still young." I know people mean well. But, People, it's still a loss. For me it's a loss. I am grieving what childbearing whimsy I once had. I am grieving the idea of more children. I am grieving the idea of a possible son.

These things may still happen. But they could happen with much risk to my current family. And if they do happen they must happen quickly. And I am exhausted. I am exhausted and that's why I couldn't decide right now what to do. I needed some space. I needed some mental health. I needed to cry and mentally troubleshoot what I want to do. I had this luxury--again, with much controversy--because my cancer was found so soon. I will not squander this chance to make a clear-headed decision.

But I just had to write this all down. I had to write because I am tired of crying. I'm hot and bothered and overwhelmed with life right now. And this is how I work. I do things intensely and get on with life. I don't want years of grief and disappointment--I don't want any, who does. But if I must feel this to move on, I want to feel it and move on. I want to enjoy year three with Stella, because year two has been a bummer. I want to enjoy year one with Gianna because it might be the last year one I enjoy with any of my own.

I am more than grateful for Stella and Gianna. And I am lucky. I am blessed. I know all this to be true.

This says a lot. Because I don't enjoy pregnancy. I don't do pregnant well. But the end result is absolutely worth it. There's a new person to meet. A new person that's a little mixture of yourself and (hopefully) your favorite other person. And instead of looking at it as greedy, I want to look at it as generous. Generous to want to bring someone into this world because for all its disappointments, it's a very good world in which to be.

Drug-Addled Ass Kicking and Cancer Free

This is my abdomen one week after my latest ovarian cancer surgery. I've never written about it here before because it seemed like such a downer of a thing to write about. But these are my new abs, holding the baby whose eighteen week ultrasound led to the discovery of a very large tumor on my right ovary (may it rest in peace). I have only one left--a controversial decision. Most have both taken out ASAP. I was too out of my mind to make a proper decision. Since November 2006 I've had morning sickness, cancer, laparascopic surgery twice, and a Arizona summer pregnancy. It's been a brutal year. One where I haven't felt myself. I regret not having written more of my feelings--not necessarily blogged them, just written them. It's been a doozy.

Twee Toes

Intense Concentration

People say, "Their play is their work," and this picture, to me, exemplifies that sentiment. It is with such diligence that approaches all her "work."