The Thinks We Think

I became a Christian through the death of a friend. A young friend. I sometimes fall into a trap thinking that it was something meant to prepare me for a greater grief in my future. The loss of a child? A spouse? Another dear friend?

I have lost since the day my friend Matt died. In eighteen years how can one not lose something more? I even lost another dear friend before I was out of my teens. Life is such a short breath. Shorter for some.

I am at the stage in my life where lots of my contemporaries are having children. They are having children and some are losing them before they even get to hold them. This is a great sadness. It is a reminder, too, of how fragile and precious life is. It is such a shame (to myself) how frequently I take this for granted.

I read about other people's loss and I keep waiting for my own. And yet? Lord willing we will have a fourth child in less than twenty days. I am chastened by my own flippant attitude. By my worries about how much sleep I will get, how much work it will all require, how much my life will change.

We did not ask for this gift and yet we have been lavished. It took me time to be accepting. Is it my job to be excited and go out into the world with my chaotic little brood and give a face to humans who will be open to life? Being open to life also requires, demands, an openness to death and loss. I pray that these are not crosses that I (nor you) have to bear any time soon. But I cannot help but think of how it is all related when I am on the verge of meeting a new human.

Deo Gratias

Final Countdown

I have entered the stage where I can say, "A month from now there will be a new baby in the house!" While this is a great relief physically, it sometimes drains me to think of little Rowena not being "The baby" anymore. She's so darn cute and sweet and chubby and cuddly. I don't like to think of her as being replaced.

Yet I know that this thinking is faulty. I've been through it before. It was hardest when I was about to have Gianna because I had no experience with having another child to love.

This baby will not have hours of sitting idly on my lap like Stella, but he will have three adoring sisters. Rowena couldn't get enough of a friend's baby on Saturday. She kept wanting to hold him and pat him and kiss him. Naturally, the baby became a little annoyed after a bit. We'll be doing some major defensive work here for a while.

Someone asked me if I was excited to have a boy. As is my nature, I was honest and informed them that I'm never really excited until the baby arrives. They said, "How exciting can it be the fourth time around anyway, right?"

That's not exactly the sentiment that I was trying to convey. In fact, knowing how quickly babyhood passes and how very sweet babies are makes each baby added to the family more valued than the baby before. Notice I'm talking about babies, not individual persons. Of course, they're all valued, but the babies become more valuable. There is more confidence on our part as parents and more knowledge of the fleeting nature of this stage.

Stella will be five shortly after this baby is born. It blows my mind to think about how quickly it's all passed. It is with that knowledge that I look forward to meeting this next child and doing my very best to remember what a pleasure it is to have a newborn. This will be no simple task when I am sleep deprived. That will be when God's grace is most necessary. He will need to fill in all the blanks for me on all the fronts that I will fail during our next babymoon.

Teaching Her the Rules

Half the year we shout at our children, "Leave the door open!" because it's nice and they spent the last six months being trained to, "Shut the door!"

So this morning I'm telling sweet little Gianna, who perpetually runs around in underwear these days, to make sure she shuts the door when she comes inside.

"Why, or else Indians will get in?"

Oh, the ways in which her world works. This morning she didn't want to go throw her bread crusts out front to the birds because she was afraid that rock monsters were going to get her. And because I'm a big, fat, pregnant fuddy-duddy I wouldn't accompany her to the great outdoors. I had to teach her a lesson or something.

While she cried at me while wearing her little silky princess pajamas.

What kind of jerk am I?

Distinguishments the Girls Make

While Gianna and Stella were playing dolls Gianna was a naked Barbie character:

Gianna to Stella: Hi! I'm naked.
Stella: AHHH!!!!! (her doll runs and hides)
Gianna: No, I'm not a monster. Just naked.

Stella remembering past delicacies enjoyed at Chez Hanson:

Mom, remember those really good hot dogs that we used to get to eat in the morning? Not the ones that we eat for dinner or for camping out, the tasty ones for the morning.

My Second Post in One Month!

Dare I say that the heat is dwindling. I'm not naive, I know it will not be middle-of-the-day park weather for a while, but regardless, the mornings are a skosh cooler. This provides some relief from the indoor life. This morning we were out front for about thirty minutes. It was lovely.
This is the time of the year that I give up on my boundaries for TV watching for the girls. They watch a lot of TV in the summer. I've reconciled myself to this reality. Someday they will know how to read and I will expect more of that activity. For now it's lots of Arthur and Winnie the Pooh and this little odd video that they LOVE called Peep Finds! They talk about it all the time. Apparently there's a bird in there who tries to hatch a rock. They find this hilarious. And when they are building nests on the couch and playing house in little nooks and crannies they tell each other that they are hatching eggs.
Little Rowena gets a little forlorn (translation: screamy) when she tries to open the front door to escape outdoors and it is locked. This is not the most endearing indoor behavior. I know that ten years from now I will look back on these days fondly and probably forget that there was ever so much screaming in my life. But right now, the screaming? It is unforgettable. I keep telling myself that Master Hanson will not be a screamer because he's a boy. Am I right? He'll just dismantle my electronics and break his own bones frequently or something like that.
For now our indoor play looks something like this:



1. Summer 2010, 2. Summer 2010, 3. Summer 2010, 4. Summer 2010

Dear Progeny

By the looks of things on this little family album that I started years ago one would think there's not much happening. Quite the contrary, kids, you've been very busy. We've all been busy. As of today our family status is:

Stella 4.5
Gianna freshly 3
Rowena 15 months
and new baby boy to arrive 10/6/10

Plus:

Jamie is entering his third and final year of law school. This year it's only law school. Last year it was law school and teaching seventh grade Latin in the morning. It was work and school all week and then study almost all day Saturday. It was hectic and short on time. One Saturday Jamie accompanied us on some morning errands and I felt like it was Christmas. All of us together! Driving around on a Saturday morning! Would his law books feel neglected? Who cares! Yippee!!!

I have some pictures to document our lives, but they're mostly on my iPhone. And that is pathetic. There are lots of little stories about you in my head. I need to write them down. But the blog was becoming stifling. I didn't like the thought of people reading my words (I realize the irony). So I stopped writing.

But I'm a writer and I must write. So begin again, I say. I don't want to forget all the good that happens around here while our lives seem swallowed up by all the activity of life and vocations and work.

iPhone photos to prove it. I really shouldn't disparage the iPhone photos because if it wasn't for that little gadget I wouldn't have much at all. With three kids to keep track of, I don't have the capacity to keep track of inanimate, static objects.



Stella's drawing of her dad: curly hair

Hot

I've spent most of my summer out of Phoenix, so I have no right to snivel now that I'm back. I'm not sniveling, just realizing a weird mental tick I have about the heat.

When I am surrounded by civilization and unknown number of options for survival, I will be suddenly overcome by dread. Dread of the thought of being lost or suddenly car-jacked and all my stuff stolen and left. Left for dead in a Target parking lot.

This was the thought I had today while putting stuff in the car. I thought, "How long could I survive out here baking in the heat? It sure would be a desperate, depressing way to go." Knowing that I could simply walk into the store and obtain help is the ironic part of this thought being able to seize me so habitually.

It distracts me so much that I leave a newly purchased $20 bottle of Tide under my cart and drive away.

Stupid hot heat, robbing me blind.

Things I Need to Learn How to Say (Apparently, According to Stella)

"OK, you can have the camera now."

"OK, we can buy some toys at Target now."

"OK, you can have some Jell-O now, kids."

"Stella, what am I already good at saying?"

(Really, if you didn't see this answer coming....)

"No."

Before He Was a Father

When She Grows Up

"Mommy, when I grow up I'm going to live in a, uh...uh, what was that place called where we stayed in Portland? The place with all the doors?"

"An apartment."

"Yes! An apartment. And I'm going to have a hubsand (not a typo) who gets to go to work everyday!"

***

Previously, on Stella's future plans:

"Mom, when am I going to be a mom? It's taking soooo long!?"

***

What she calls her sister, Rowena Willamina Marie:

"Rowena Millamina Rowee"

For the Hanson Family Annals

While looking at a book, Gianna notices a little red bow:

"That's a Snow White bow! Those don't live in books, they live in people's hair."

Retelling her dream from the night before Stella insists that she "woke up with a large frown on her face."

And Rowena? She's taken to shaking her head, "No!" while holding onto a piece of furniture. The only problem is she is so passionate in her shaking that she frequently causes her own imbalance and crashes to the floor. Tears ensue.

Sad indeed.

The Five Senses

While reading a little book about the body:

"Skin. What do you do with your skin?"

Puzzled looks.

"It helps you feel. What about you eyes? What do they do?"

Stella says, "They see!"

"Yep. OK, what about ears?"

Both say, "Hear!"

"Yep. OK, what about your nose?"

Gianna says, "Pick!"

Songs Stella Sings

There is no familiar tune to which these are sung, just imagine a jaunty little jingle.

In the car:
"Jesus is glittering, glittering in my heart. And at church the priest talks about Jesus on the cross."

Recently in the backyard:
"Sunrise, sunrise come-uh-uhm outside."

This on actually has a tune. It's "Rainbow Connection":
"Songs about rainbows and songs about rainbows and songs about rain-ain-bows."

Her version of "Yellow Submarine":
"We haul away in a yellow submarine..."

Very entertaining.

Halfway There

Jamie starts school again today. I try not to think about how all-consuming it is, however, I did wake up in the middle of the night with a bit of dread. Definitely dread and not anxiety or fear.

I can't wait until law school is over but I must also be able to enjoy the process. My children are young and if I was only focused on the date that law school is over I wouldn't be able to enjoy the girls at the ages they are and will be in the near future. It would be a real hardship if I was incapable of enjoying life right now.

I don't want to be a downer so that's all I'm going to say about the beginning of his fourth of six law school semesters.

Effective Not Efficient

This is a good reminder:

"You [should] think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things… I see many parents, particularly mothers with small children, often frustrated in their desire to accomplish a lot because all they seem to do is meet the needs of little children all day. Remember, frustration is a function of our expectations, and our expectations are often a reflection of the social mirror rather than our own values and priorities." (Stephen Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

Via a blog I frequent.

This is especially formative in my thoughts when I think about my life as being vocation-driven than being product-driven. Technically speaking, my kids are my "product." They are not, however, something that can be measured in importance on an outcome basis. They provide me with lots of things to do, lot of menial things by some standards, but what better way can I fill my time?

After all, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

What the Preschool Set Really Wants for Christmas (And Amazon Doesn't Want You to Know!)

A package of green scrubbies
A package of sponges
Their own squirt bottle
A hamburger bun from McDonald's
Foam peanuts and free license to strew them about
The permission to push the button to start the blender/food processor for a whole year
First pick of which spatula to lick
An electric pencil sharpener and a bunch of new pencils
A collection of empty, small yogurt cups
And the most wanted thing?
For you to read the most boring book from your children's book collection to them as many times as they want in a row

Babies

Have you heard of this new documentary? How counter-cultural. Beckoning audiences to come and pay money to watch the life of four different newborns unfold. I think I'll take my children.

What a Lovely Day Outside My Window!

It's 2:15 on December something 2009 and I just went outside for the first time today. It's the most wonderful time of the year hear in the PHX. Why did I just now bother on going out? Well, I just woke up!

Just woke up from a nap. Just woke up from a nap because I have to lay down with children to get them to sleep/stay asleep/not wake up siblings. It's really complicated and all. It's quite nice, too. I think I've taken a nap every day in the last four years. I can't complain about that. I manage to somehow.

I have it in my mind that there are SO MANY OTHER things that I need to GET DONE NOW! (or yesterday!!!). Like what? Like clean my stuff, rearrange it and throw out the extra stuff.

Then I lay in bed nursing little Rowena and parts of that little embroidered poem come to mind: cobwebs and something take a sleep (or something) because I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep. And ain't that the truth?

Why do I create these deadlines for myself? Why do I impose such strict standards of organized chaos? Is it so my children enjoy themselves? They seem to enjoy themselves anyway. Is it for my husband? He doesn't enjoy things when I'm stressed out, so no to that to.

I guess I just don't want to be judged. Tis true. I think people will think I'm lazy if I have a messy house. Or they'll think I'm tasteless if I have simple decor. Or they'll think I'm uncreative if I'm not making cool stuff all the time.

I know I'm none of those things. Our family is happier when I focus on the essentials of homekeeping and enjoy everyone the rest of the time so that's why I try not to feel bad about having just now stepped out my door to the beautiful day outside instead of sallying forth on an excellent outside adventure in order to capitalize on every moment of the day!

I was feeding, dressing, watching and talking with my little girls all day. They were playing babies and kitchen (ironically) and having fun doing it. I had fun watching. Then we all ate lunch and took naps. Sounds like a good day to me.

A Little Treat

I gave the girls some crackers after nap. What they didn't know is that I put a few jelly beans at the bottom of their bowls. This is rare (probably too rare for me to be considered a "fun mom").

Gianna found hers and commenced to enjoy her spoils.

Stella found hers and held it up to examine in the sunlight streaming through the window.

"What is this?" she accused.

"A jelly bean," I answered expectantly.

"I hate jelly beans!"

The Sisters Can't Get Enough

Gianna is in her crib having some two-year-old quiet time. Alone time. Otherwise known as our time away from her and her fitful attempts at individuating and controlling her environment. She's been gone for two minutes when Stella sidles up next to me and asks, "Can I go talk to Gianna?"

"About what," I ask.

"About playing."

I don't know if I should've resisted, but I didn't.

Makes me wish I enjoyed my sister more when we lived under the same roof.

***

I'm writing this because I'm down two children. They're away with their grandma for Stella's birthday. My house is a mess, I'm still in my pajamas and Rowena slumbers on my lap. There are probably many things I should be doing, but I really wanted to remember that story. And these days my free time is slim to none what with law school and children kicking my butt.