Tuesday, January 08, 2008

This TIme Last Year

I have had this refrain trailing my thoughts frequently:

This time last year I did not know that I had cancer.

I cannot say that I didn't have cancer this time last year, only that I was unaware of its presence.

I had to have my tests, blood work and ultrasound, on Friday. I cannot say that I am awaiting the results without any fear. There is, of course, that thought in the back of my mind. What if?

What if I have another tumor? What if things are a little off?

I do not mean to be dramatic, but this is what resounds within me lately. So much so that the collision of my tests and Jamie's return to school forced me into prayerful repose on Sunday night. I had no other way of depositing my fear, sadness, grief, anticipation and thankfulness.

I am thankful for the cancer that was found. I'm thankful for Gianna, without whom we could possibly still be unaware of my tumor. I'm thankful that she survived my surgery last February. I'm thankful that my surgery in September showed no cancer in any of the biopsies or washings. I'm thankful that those who disagreed with my decision to keep my ovary expressed their opinion and have quietly supported me since then. I'm thankful that though they may think me naive they have not blatantly said so lately--as I am highly sensitive right now.

I'm worried. Almost more worried of the "I told you so" attitude that might prevail if anything is fishy. I'm worried that people will be angry with me for jeopardizing my family's happiness and relative calm.

But amidst all this I am also hopeful. Hopeful that all my worries and anxieties will return void.

Because this time last year I was anticipating the birth of a new child. A new Hanson was going to enter the ranks. This time last year I didn't have to think of childbearing as controversial or potentially harmful.

That said, I am thankful for 2007 and all that it revealed; physically, emotionally and relationally. I'm glad that Jamie and I survived and that we are stronger for it. But I am really hoping that everything comes back fine.

1 comment:

Manuela said...


I am hoping and praying with you.