On Life With Stella

This picture was taken three months ago. It was taken before I found out about my cancer and before I had my surgery. I had just started to feel better from the Morning Sickness That Kicked My Ass.

So much has happened since this was taken. Stella doesn't that different to most people; I can tell that her hair is longer; she has molars that you can see when she laughs. Those molars were no peach coming in. It was the kind of week where you want to kick your kid to the curb but you can't help feeling sorry for them at the same time. If only she would've let me pick her up and cuddle her. But she didn't want that. But she also didn't want to be not held. I'm so dense it took me so long to figure out what was happening that by the time I'd started to offer her some pain relief she didn't want to take it. She was that grumpy.

My sweet girl.

This evening we were sitting out on the front patio. She went and sat at her little bench and looked over at me to see what I was doing. Then she tossed her head back to look at the sky and chortled. It was a very deep and meaty laugh. She looked at me to see my response. Of course I laughed. Then we laughed together. I could see those shiny molars.

I wonder what life will be like when the baby is born. Sometimes I feel bad that Stella won't get the attention that she's used to receiving. I know she won't be neglected, but she also won't be The One. I don't know why it makes me sad for her, but it does. I know ultimately she's going to be excited to have another kid around. She'll like that.

It's the unknown right now. I remember before Stella I wondered what life would be like with a baby. Then she came and all was well. I can't remember life before her and all that jazz. I know this is what will happen when Gianna's born. I know I'll have two little sweet things that cry when I leave them and pat me on the back when I return and get excited to see me in the morning.

As much as I am sometimes driven crazy by the constant need, I know I need to enjoy it because soon enough it will dry up. I will be a part of a secure background that needs to be left for the wider world. In the meantime I'll get excited to see her when we've been apart and I'll miss her the moment she goes to bed for the night.