Morning Mug

Quite possible some of the best morning hair yet...





And then there's this morning hair, so cute because it's barely there.

Disappointment

Perhaps the most difficult part of this entire ordeal is the disappointment. Everyone grows up with expectations: for jobs, family, vacation, possessions, fun, education, etc. Everyone deals with disappointment. I'm not saying that I'm different or exceptional in my feelings. I'm only saying that this has turned out to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

A year ago I didn't know what my family would look like in ten years. Quite honestly, I'm not entirely sure right now, but I no longer have the luxury of just waiting to see. This is disappointing to me.

There's a sudden urgency to decide if we want any more children. Well, I feel an urgency. Jamie, he's pretty placid. And I mean that well. He's not disappointed. That's a good thing because then I'd have to deal with disappointing his desires for a large family, or just one that's a little bigger. Thankfully, though, I don't have to deal with that.

I'm dealing with my disappointment. The cost is paid for me, physically, with many tears and loss of sleep. My muscles ache. My heart aches. I hurt.

In addition to disappointment is other people's dismissive ways of dealing with things. I know people mean well when they say things like, "At least you have two beautiful daughters." Or, "Some women with ovarian cancer don't have any children. Be thankful." Or, "You can always adopt." Or, "At least you'll be done raising children when you're still young." I know people mean well. But, People, it's still a loss. For me it's a loss. I am grieving what childbearing whimsy I once had. I am grieving the idea of more children. I am grieving the idea of a possible son.

These things may still happen. But they could happen with much risk to my current family. And if they do happen they must happen quickly. And I am exhausted. I am exhausted and that's why I couldn't decide right now what to do. I needed some space. I needed some mental health. I needed to cry and mentally troubleshoot what I want to do. I had this luxury--again, with much controversy--because my cancer was found so soon. I will not squander this chance to make a clear-headed decision.

But I just had to write this all down. I had to write because I am tired of crying. I'm hot and bothered and overwhelmed with life right now. And this is how I work. I do things intensely and get on with life. I don't want years of grief and disappointment--I don't want any, who does. But if I must feel this to move on, I want to feel it and move on. I want to enjoy year three with Stella, because year two has been a bummer. I want to enjoy year one with Gianna because it might be the last year one I enjoy with any of my own.

I am more than grateful for Stella and Gianna. And I am lucky. I am blessed. I know all this to be true.

This says a lot. Because I don't enjoy pregnancy. I don't do pregnant well. But the end result is absolutely worth it. There's a new person to meet. A new person that's a little mixture of yourself and (hopefully) your favorite other person. And instead of looking at it as greedy, I want to look at it as generous. Generous to want to bring someone into this world because for all its disappointments, it's a very good world in which to be.

Drug-Addled Ass Kicking and Cancer Free

This is my abdomen one week after my latest ovarian cancer surgery. I've never written about it here before because it seemed like such a downer of a thing to write about. But these are my new abs, holding the baby whose eighteen week ultrasound led to the discovery of a very large tumor on my right ovary (may it rest in peace). I have only one left--a controversial decision. Most have both taken out ASAP. I was too out of my mind to make a proper decision. Since November 2006 I've had morning sickness, cancer, laparascopic surgery twice, and a Arizona summer pregnancy. It's been a brutal year. One where I haven't felt myself. I regret not having written more of my feelings--not necessarily blogged them, just written them. It's been a doozy.

Twee Toes

Intense Concentration

People say, "Their play is their work," and this picture, to me, exemplifies that sentiment. It is with such diligence that approaches all her "work."

Dancing With Uncle Rob Pregnant With Stella

Dancing With Uncle Rob Pregnant With Stella
Originally uploaded by alishialinn

I've recently uploaded a lot of photos of Stella's first year and beyond. Makes me cry with nostalgia: http://www.flickr.com/photos/alishiahanson/sets/72157600189154146/

Misery Loves Company & Advice for Aspiring Parents

Two out of three days this week I spent in the company of other mothers and their small children. Being a mother is not miserable. There are definite stages of misery. These stages usually correspond to some developmental occurrence: walking, talking, teething, eating, sleeping through the night, not shitting on the carpet (uh, no names). Spending time with other mothers eases these difficulties. You realize you are not alone and your child gets to play with someone all at the same time.

I told one friend, "Next week you guys can come to my house for screaming and fighting, OK?" That about sums it up sometimes.

Now. Some advice. If you ever speak of your child's sleeping habits--no matter how proud or disinterested-yet-appreciative you are--lie. Because the moment you say anything positive the sleeping fairies will tweak and poke your child all night. You will rue the day you ever thought of encouraging your friend in with their child's sleeping difficulties. You will arise the next day with aching muscles and tired lids and curse the fact that you said, "Yes. My child sleeps."

For the record: My children don't sleep. They are up all night. I'm always tired. And it sux.

Stella's First Veritas Graduation

Stella's First Veritas Graduation
Originally uploaded by alishialinn

This is one of my favorites.

Sunday Morning Chocolate Croissants

Sunday Morning Chocolate Croissants
Originally uploaded by alishialinn

Sunday mornings at our house means an early trip to AJ's for Jamie to pick up the big, fat NY Times and two chocolate croissants. Then we proceed to enjoy said purchases. And we don't comb our hair.

How We Are Coping With the Nights of Not-As-Much-Sleep-As-I-Am-Usually-Used-To (Ending this title in a Prepostion)

Ha Ha. Ah Ha!

I write that long, convoluted title to throw you off a bit. It's supposed to give the impression of a jumbled mind. But jumbled I am not! Triumphant? Somewhat!

Admission: Stella was a stellar nighttime baby. Great sleeper, good at Not Disturbing The Mother. Gianna is not as proficient--yet! I say that with great anticipation and the knowledge that comes from having had only one other baby. But having had only one other baby I know the most basic thing necessary: This, too, shall pass. And it is so true. It is for this reason that I have not lost hope. I am hopeful. And I am not too tired.

I will not diminish the difficulty of waking up between 1-3 am to help a small baby get fed and settled again, but in comparison to many other "jobs" I've had--no big woop. I have read many books these days. Of course, as I was telling Jamie this morning, I don't always remember what I read which leads to me doing the cursory pre-commencement of reading read to recollect (uh, did you follow that?), but I do get some reading done.

Anyway, there is so much that changes with the addition of another body and its temperament to your household. And I am not the kind of mother that holds her child in her arms for the first time and cries tears of joy and unconditional love. I am more the kind of mother who clutches her child in her arms in the middle of the night amidst feeding frustration and is overwhelmed with annoyance and love at the same time. Because I have suddenly realized that after all these months of the physical burden of pregnancy there is a new person here and no matter how annoyed she is making me, I have realized that my love for her surpasses that annoyance. It always feels better to pass through those moments and be able to lie down in peace and quiet knowing that I don't have to regret being severe with a little person.

For good measure: photos of that part of the day when things wind down.

Most Beautiful Couple Award

To paraphrase her anniversary entry:
Two years. Go Them!



To reflect my sentiments for their anniversary:
It's a shame they don't procreate. Keeping all that juicy DNA to Themselves.

Multi Task Master*

me: ok, i just changed a diaper WHILE breastfeeding
christa: haha
me: beat that
christa: that's hilariuls
hilarious
me: not so much hilarious as very demanding and awesome
christa: that's amazing
me: and then i put stella in her bed to sleep
christa: multi tasking on a new level
me: and she didn't cry
christa: while breasfeeding?!
that's amazing
me: yes,
i'm waiting for my review so i can get a raise


(I also just updated my blog while IMing.)



*Good puzzle for final round in Wheel of Fortune.

Six Days

By the time you read this post Gianna will be at least six days old. She's a treat. We all love her. Stella enjoys her but is definitely going through the adjustment phase. It's so sad to see your beloved child become the person at the party who acts out for attention. And really, I think it's harder on me than her. I love Gianna but I miss my Stella days and nights.

Dreamboat Dress Shipwreck Hair

While Stella has some cute clothes and a cute face, she knows not how to be patient with a hair brush. She does not want one near her head for an extended amount of time. And by extended I mean not at all.
For this reason Stella will not be a girl that has long hair until she reaches the Age of Reason. Wherein she masters the ability to wield a hairbrush to tame her mane--including the part underneath the top layer. I know all too well the consequences of poor hair management. When I was about ten my mother realized that I had somewhat of a rat's nest residing at the nape of my neck because I only ever brushed the top of my hair. I was given some choices:

a) Let my mom brush it out
b) Brush it myself and maintain outstanding tresses
c) Cut it off

I chose the second option.

I retain the vivid memory of an afternoon spent with The Knot--my head flipped over while I relentlessly stroked my hair to avoid having a bob at the age of ten. I did succeed but not without much wailing and bemoaning my plight.

So it makes sense that this is my child:

In Response

Over at another blog there is a thoughtful somewhat Op/Ed piece about car "flare" shall we call it. If you don't know what I'm talking about when I use the word flare in quotes think of Jennifer Aniston in Office Space working at TGIFriday's.

In response to the aforementioned blog, if I die, please do not memorialize me on the rear window of your vehicle. Please. Don't.

Because We Have So Much Free Time Before the Baby

Revealing Her Inner Sean Penn

Revealing Her Inner Old Testament Hebrew Self

Genesis 37:29-34 And Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes. And he returned unto his brethren, and said, The child is not; and I, whither shall I go? And they took Joseph's coat, and killed a he-goat, and dipped the coat in the blood; and they sent the coat of many colors, and they brought it to their father, and said, This have we found: know now whether it is thy son's coat or not. And he knew it, and said, It is my son's coat: an evil beast hath devoured him; Joseph is without doubt torn in pieces. And Jacob rent his garments, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days.

36 Weeks and Andy Rooney

Me and Gianna. I'm totally sucking in my stomach.
Included in this pregnancy edition: one of my scars from my laparascopic surgery! Rad.



Did I say Andy Rooney? I meant Andy Warhol.

Timeline: An Ice Cream Meltdown

We went out for ice cream this week. Several times. It's that time of the year. It's light out late. It doesn't cool down until after 6:30. Stella's alert and dirty and we're burning daylight before we can give her a bath and put her in her comfy little bed where she nestles down for the night and recharges for the next long, hot day.

There is not a good local ice cream place near our house. I could sit here and mentally map out the local environs and...nothing for miles. No Baskin Robbins, no mom and pops that sell ice cream, no hispanic helado store--to me this is a disappointment. It seems that getting ice cream shouldn't be a production. One shouldn't have to drive for miles to find a fun little place that sells ice cream. But we do.

We go to Mary Coyle's. This is a local place that's been around for a while. It's been a frequent place since we've been married, too. It's not too far, but far enough. They make their own ice cream and employ the slightly privileged teenagers that live in downtown Phoenix. There have been a number of these servers that stick out to us and whenever we pull up to park we wonder aloud, "I wonder what happened to Sweaty Motivated Boy? Or Hair Twirlling Girl who let people's ice cream melt? Hmmm?" It's a fun little game of familiarity.

Anyway. We went to Mary Coyle's this week. We order some ice cream fully aware of the requirement to share with Stella because she is unable to manage or consume her own bowl. Well, all was well at MC's. We were having a fun time. There were pink straws to play with! And she was sitting by her dad--her new fave.



And then they brought the ice cream.



This is usually this highlight. but not when you're dealing with the end-of-the-day emotional capabilities of a small child. She got her own spoon and she was given the opportunity to use it at will. But she did not choose wisely.



For added emphasis:

Blast From the Past

In Addition to Which...

On a recent trip to the pediatrician I received a handout that told me to always feed my child at the table. We mostly abide by this habit, especially when snacks involve oranges or other sticky consumables. I thought this was a precaution for the safety of the child--choking hazard, etc.
Until this week.

I have just discovered the source of the ant infestation in our house. At first it was mild. They were discovered Tuesday morning. A few roamers seemingly without purpose. There was no food or sticky liquids laying about. I squirted them with some soapy water and called it a day. Ants, to me, do not instill fear and disgust when they are on the floor, in small numbers. Lacking in organization.

Well, good morning, Thursday. I arose to the mixing of my coffee and turned to find a large clump of them on the kitchen counter. I began to do some more intense investigation. There was a long steady stream of them coming in from the floor by a window. This was no rambling, rag-tag group of nobodies. These ants were working--they had purpose. This was the kind of assembly you would see outside and think, "Wow, ants are so industrious!" Or at least I would. I do find the little buggers fascinating--outside, or on the floor in small unorganized numbers. Not on my counters or in my couch with numbers approaching double digits and in forms resembling small cities.

Time to take serious action.

I performed a "how to kill ants" search on Google. So many options. Baby powder? Cayenne pepper, Simple Green, diatemaceous earth.

OK, now I know what to apply that won't hurt my child or animals.

But wait, why are they crawling on the couch?

Upon lifting one of the cushions I found the reason: a large chuck of a no longer recognizable food substance. Sadly, the first culprit that came to mind was Stella--most likely the proper culprit. And now I have another reason why she won't be wandering the house consuming snacks.

A Girl and Her Dog: Part Due

Too hot to write:

A Couple Developments

I cut Stella's hair really short recently. It was one of those once-you-start-you-can't-stop experiences. It's shaping up nicely.

It's getting hot here now. This means that the only time of the day it's nice to be outside is early or late--no middle. Stella desperately loves the outdoors so this presents us with a challenge. Recently, we were outside and in between chasing dogs, playing in her house and climbing her, uh, climbing thing, Stella had some words to share with me.

This video does not have subtitles. Nor does it need them unless your heart is made of ice cold stone and ensconced in barbed wire.*






*Although, I think she's saying something about Ryan Smeets and his pending move to town.

Being a Law & Order Fan...

I was especially excited when Richard Belzer offered to take Stella to the zoo. As you can see, they had a great time.

On Life With Stella

This picture was taken three months ago. It was taken before I found out about my cancer and before I had my surgery. I had just started to feel better from the Morning Sickness That Kicked My Ass.

So much has happened since this was taken. Stella doesn't that different to most people; I can tell that her hair is longer; she has molars that you can see when she laughs. Those molars were no peach coming in. It was the kind of week where you want to kick your kid to the curb but you can't help feeling sorry for them at the same time. If only she would've let me pick her up and cuddle her. But she didn't want that. But she also didn't want to be not held. I'm so dense it took me so long to figure out what was happening that by the time I'd started to offer her some pain relief she didn't want to take it. She was that grumpy.

My sweet girl.

This evening we were sitting out on the front patio. She went and sat at her little bench and looked over at me to see what I was doing. Then she tossed her head back to look at the sky and chortled. It was a very deep and meaty laugh. She looked at me to see my response. Of course I laughed. Then we laughed together. I could see those shiny molars.

I wonder what life will be like when the baby is born. Sometimes I feel bad that Stella won't get the attention that she's used to receiving. I know she won't be neglected, but she also won't be The One. I don't know why it makes me sad for her, but it does. I know ultimately she's going to be excited to have another kid around. She'll like that.

It's the unknown right now. I remember before Stella I wondered what life would be like with a baby. Then she came and all was well. I can't remember life before her and all that jazz. I know this is what will happen when Gianna's born. I know I'll have two little sweet things that cry when I leave them and pat me on the back when I return and get excited to see me in the morning.

As much as I am sometimes driven crazy by the constant need, I know I need to enjoy it because soon enough it will dry up. I will be a part of a secure background that needs to be left for the wider world. In the meantime I'll get excited to see her when we've been apart and I'll miss her the moment she goes to bed for the night.

So Sweet She Has No Idea

Stella just went off on a play date with her friends, Tara and Eric. She didn't even cry when she had to stop watching Sesame Street. This is how much she likes them.

I had to send her with a bag of diapers and a change of clothing because of her, shall we say, potential for bodily fluid overflow today.

When I came back inside I thought about the contents of the little bag she was clutching as she got into the car--how she had no idea I had to send along extra clothing just in case. And the thought broke my heart just a little because she's still so little and innocent.

I'm No Good at Small Talk

I can act, though. And I've acted my way through many a painful small-talk situation:

• Flagstaff BBQ circa 2000 (with a close-talker who caused me to circumvent an entire park ramada)
  
• Unexpected encounter with someone from high school circa last month
  
• North Scottsdale MOM's Club drop-in mixer at the library circa last month (I wanted to see what it was like, and now I know, you're all out of my league)
  

All that is to say that I do not enjoy small talk, but I can endure it. But when you've stared down the double barrel of death like I have you realize there's little time for pithy conversations.

All this is to say to the fellow mom at book club who works at Sprouts and introduced herself to me and was met with a somewhat cold, yet polite, response, "It's not you, it's me. It's not your son either. And it's not that you work at a grocery store. It's just that I didn't have anything to say."

Not Quite a Month

Life is busy mostly because Stella is busy.

She still jabbers instead of really speaks, but come one, she's only one. She did identify Cookie Monster on her diaper the other day. This was a completely unsolicited designation. She picked it up and pointed and said, "kiki." This is what she says when she means cookie. I thought it interesting and sweet. Especially because whenever Cookie Monster shows up on Sesame Street she greets him with a large howl of laughter. Like she knows this thing is going to be a "totally wild and crazy guy."

Even thought she can't articulate things yet, she does understand a lot of English. She knows where to go sit when I tell her to get in her chair. And just today she threw something in the garbage for me while I sat on my butt. This is going to work out great!

We've started some swimming lessons and Stella howls for different reasons from 11:30-12:00 on Mondays and Wednesdays. She does not like being forced to swim under water and splash about. Really. Regardless, she's getting better. And since she is growing up in the hot hot desert, she must learn to swim otherwise, how will she entertain herself?

Which reminds me of my childhood. We spent days in our bathing suits, throwing pennies on the bottom of the pool to retrieve them and throw them back again. We had diving competitions, tea parties, water ballet, mermaid stories, inflatable toy fights, it was all a part of surviving the summer heat. And the legacy goes on.

For a fun picture, go here: Hansoniana.

OK, One More

I enjoy this video because of the last fifteen seconds when Stella's jabbering. This is original material that does not belong to Viacom.

Things Worth Remembering

While Stella ate her lunch yesterday she developed a kind of Mystery Meat face. It was a cross between "Hey, what is this?" to "Hey, I know what this is." I knew what this portended. She had consumed large quantities of grapes lately without producing any byproduct. I had a feeling it was go-time.

We proceeded into the bathroom and in a matter of moment Stella had done both businesses on the toilet. Great!

I was very congratulatory, giving her fives and excited and what not, as was she. She kept squealing and covering her mouth with both hands as if in excited disbelief. She does this frequently now after seeing it somewhere and it is quite endearing.

After she was all put back together and freely roaming the house she continued to stop and squeal and cover her mouth and seek me out for more fives. Pretty fun stuff.

This morning I got her out of bed and asked her if she had to go potty. She went into the bathroom and was getting her seat all situated on the toilet. I let her go through the motions even though I could already smell that she had already attended to her needs in her diaper.

Later on, I sat with her for a bit during Sesame Street. Cookie Monster and Prairie Dawn were talking of the letter "E." CM was "imagining" that the letter was a cookie. As he is wont to do, he let his imagination take over and he promptly devoured the "E." Stella reacted with a loud gasp and a commiserating sound (I assume for PD's disappointment).

When we gather as a fam to watch America's Funniest Home Videos, Stella reacts to the action. Once, a baby was hurt and this brought on some sad tears. Usually she is shocked and surprised by all the mishaps. It's interesting to see that she understands not only that something has gone wrong but that it's terribly funny.

While I Get Better She Gets Out

Stella goes out on a lunch date.

"Your forgot your wallet!"



Strictly for good measure.

The Hobbit

Thank you for getting me from my nap.


Now that I am finished with elevenses, can we move on to my lunch?



Thank you.

Prairie Dawn, I Have Always Loved You

When I was wee and watched Sesame Street I had some favorite characters. I loved Prairie Dawn. She was so cute and chatty. I thought her hair was nice and she always wore cute clothes.

But then there was Slimey--Oscar's pet worm. I loved him. I loved worms in general. I collected them from the garden and called them Fellas. And I loved the fact that Oscar's worm had a little bed. LOVED IT.






Then there were the Twiddlebugs who lived in Ernie's flower box.



I don't know if I can adequately describe my love and fascination for them and their little world. Perhaps they were my inspiration for making bug hotels. I loved the idea of this small world that existed fully intact within my own world.

Nowadays, I love Sesame Street for another reason. It gives me about one hour each morning to get some chores done without my precious shadow who undoes all my chores. It gives me some time to have some coffee and read my email. Even more, it gives me the opportunity to see some of my old favorites from the Street. Believe it or not, some of those classic little skits, characters and montages are still intact after all these years.

And, by the way, just as I was finishing this up I heard Oscar reading a story and I ran back to the TV room to see Slimey in his bed. And there's a new girl worm named Sloppy. I'm unsure of whether or not she's Slimey's progeny or not, but she had a pony tail.

Lunch Snooze Part II

This time with better lighting!

Every Thursday we go to the library for story time. From 10:15-11:15 we hang out with other moms and kids and sing songs and listen to stories. Then there's time to play with a ton of toys and usually about fifteen other children around Stella's age. Lately, who knows why, Stella has been in dire need of a nap between 10-11am. This interrupts our story time. Halfway through free play Stella will begin a quick downward slide. At that time I perform an extraction.

The library is so close to our house I usually get home before she entirely succumbs to the napping gods. I try to give her some sustenance so as to make her nap last a little longer. Unfortunately, she becomes very quiet and starts to nod. And while I usually put her to bed right away, other times I can't resist recording it for posterity.

Stella Likes to Eat Sand

Therefore, when she poops she not only gets the relief of a bowel movement, but when her diaper gets changed she has the buff and shine exfoliation treatment. The little diva, some might say, already getting spa treatments at such a young age. This is the same girl who had her first diaper blow-out at The Camelback Inn. She was, after all, born in Scottsdale, Arizona, aka East Beverly Hills. One may ask, "When a girl like this is in need of a first hair cut where does she go?" She suggests a trip to the local Toni & Guy salon.


"Hmmm, yes, I'd like to lose some length, perhaps add some layers--what's that flash?!"


"Paparazzi, please, give a girl some space!"


"I spy some hair products. When we're finished, can you please take me to see them, Go Go?"

I Call This One "Shiny Lips"

"We would like to thank the Academy for the Most Precious and Definitely Not Overrated Digital Camera Movie Award. We're flattered, of course, but we also understand the power of a cute child consuming man-sized portions of meat. And of course the jibberish and the answering of questions like she really knows what I'm asking. But most of all, the Shiny Lips, we understand their power."

Keeping It Real

Stella is a connoiseur of the good life. She likes to eat real food. When she's hungry for meat she don't want no cut-up-little-bits-so-they-can-fit-in-her-mouth. She wants the real thing. She wants it off the bone.

Oh, and she likes to make faces now, too.

"Backlighting Kills the Shot"

I am going to share this regardless of the poor quality. Stella endured a Long Day recently and couldn't make it through lunch. She started drifting and instead of taking her out of her chair and out of her tired misery, I recorded it so we can all laugh at how innocent and funny she is.

The last fifteen seconds are the best. I must admit, I hope this happens again so that I may correct my lighting mistake the second time around!

Post 130

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Mom, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to put you down for a nap and let you slumber."

Ah, life.

Stella, you can be a lot of work. There's tears and fussing and wailing. And unexplained tiredness when I have something fun planned. There's waking up at 6:30 in the morning when it's still dark outside. What is that all about?

Of course, there's also the kisses and hugs that you give. The pats on the back and your cheeks that always smell like maple syrup even though you never eat it.

Regardless, you're taking a nap.

Our Agenda

A recent email sent to the grandparents...

Wow,
Stella recently informed us that she wants to make overnights a regular occurance in 2007. She already experienced one with much success during our flu in December. So, we're accepting offers. We're filling up her calendar! She's a social being a she likes to do stuff. She enjoys the movies, the carousel (if you stand next to her), the mall, the grocery store, parks, other kids, etc. The opportunities for entertaining/spoiling her are endless. She's still never been to Chuck E. Cheese and I can promise you I'm not taking her--that's your job!
When she's feeling good she'll sleep a good twelve hours in a row--even more if you make the room really dark!
Let us know when you want her!